There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
