i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
