Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
