I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
