I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
