not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
