i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
