I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
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