If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Randomize
