for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
