I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
