I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
