Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
