I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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