I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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