totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
