I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
