On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Help me help you realize you are a moron