Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Randomize
