Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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