my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Sext me about skeletons
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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