Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.