i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I can't put those talents on a resume
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
