She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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