dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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