just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
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He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
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I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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