it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
