I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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