My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Randomize
