I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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