I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize