I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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