you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
You've changed since you got that strap on
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
