I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
