new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
