just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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