Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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