she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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