and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
