What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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