I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
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we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
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Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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