Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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