Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
