I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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