You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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