Those balls look pretty dangerous.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
