so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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