birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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