I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
