Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
