I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
