Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
