We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
