I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
