I wish I could punch you in the face.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
