I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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