Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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