Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
