Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I just gift wrapped bread.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
