i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i will never coherently bang her
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
