dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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