update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
