I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
