I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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