i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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