is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
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